Being a responsible parent doesn’t mean requiring that your kids sit down and listen to you talk about sex. It doesn’t mean forcing them to ask questions or divulge their innermost thoughts. Good sex education is about being responsive to questions when asked and anticipating what kinds of information your kids might need given their environment.

Here are some tips on how to approach talking about sex with your kids.

Don’t talk down to kids. Our own discomfort with sex can lead to a lot of generalizations and simplifying of sex. This is a problem because sex is rarely simple and when we talk down to kids we’re preparing them for confusion in the future. There’s a difference between dumbing it down and breaking it down. There’s also a big difference between saying, literally or figuratively, “you’re not old enough to understand” and saying something like “it’s actually pretty complicated, but let me try to explain it and if you have questions let me know.”

Build on what they know. One of the mistakes we make with sex is treating it as something separate from the rest of the world. You can help your child by always talking about sex in context, and using other examples. If they’re asking about masturbation, for example, you can talk about “feeling good” and “feeling bad”. You can relate it to other things you know they do in private (like sleeping or getting dressed). Start any answer to a sex question at a place you know they are already familiar with.

Be honest. Do as I say and not as I do NEVER works with kids, they’re paying too much attention to fall for it. It’s important to know your own thoughts and feelings about sex so you can be honest with your kids. It's just as important to be consistent. It's reasonable that you'll change your mind or shift your thinking about things as you and your kids grow. But setting rules that you haven’t thought through and then changing them when you do can be confusing and feel unfair from a kids perspective.

Give them tools as much as answers. You can’t control what your kids think. The best kind of influence you can have on their beliefs, values, and actions is by teaching them how to think through things for themselves. So it’s important to not simply give kids answers (e.g. pornography is bad, sex is okay as long as it’s with someone you love) but to teach them how to think through these things for themselves. You can do this by talking to them about your own thought processes, and when they are younger you can do this by breaking down complicated issues for them so they can begin to see the building blocks.

Don’t assume you know everything about your kid. Parents don’t like this one because it’s a reminder of how little control they really have, but the truth is that your kids are individuals and gain knowledge and experience from the day they are born. The integrate that information in ways that are unique and this means you don’t know exactly what they know, or how they feel or think. In terms of talking about sex what this means it that they may surprise you with their comprehension and they may also surprise you with their ability to discern what they want to know about and what they don’t want to know about. Rather than assuming you know what they can and can’t handle, use your judgment but test the waters by starting with a basic answer to a question and then checking in to see if they want to know more, or what they think of your answer.

Give multiple answers. There aren’t any sex questions with a single answer. Where do babies come from? Why do people kiss? How do I know I’m ready for sex? Even questions that seem “scientific” have multiple interpretations. You don’t want to overwhelm kids, but one way to prepare them for a life of choices is to show them how to unpack a sex question by explaining the many potential answers to the one they are asking. Giving them multiple answers also demonstrates the diversity of values and ways of being in the world. You can share with them the answer that fits best for you, but if it’s the only one you give them, you’re doing them a disservice.