Simply put, intimacy is more than sex or making love. It's morethan the physical or even emotional connection you feel withyour partner. Intimacy involves a soul connection between twopeople.
While instant chemistry can be exciting and thrilling, thechemistry that makes marriages work usually grows over time.This special chemistry between two people involves excellentcommunication and self sacrifice more than physical attraction.It takes trust, patience, and willingness to talk and to listen.
With greater intimacy, married partners can have a moresatisfying and fulfilling romantic life. They can learn whatpleases each other. For example, your wife may not like flowersall of the time. She may desire a massage, or a well cookedmeal. Or your husband may not want the latest fashionablesweater. It's a clean car or your full attention, he desiresmost.
Being able to express what you want is important and genuinelylistening to your spouse are key factors in building an intimateromance. Unfortunately, these skills aren't fully developed inmost marriages, so as the saying goes: "Married people can besome of the loneliest people in the world."
What generally inhibits partners from building deeperrelationships with each other?
Cary Barbor writes, "One partner (often the woman) will fight tobreak down defenses and create more intimacy while the other(often the man) will withdraw and create distance. So the "danceof intimacy" follows: If the woman gets too close, the man pullsback. If he moves too far away, she pursues, and so on." --Finding Real Love - Intimacy and Alienation, Psychology Today(Jan 2001)
She also comments that we often try to recreate and fulfill ourchildhood desires through our marriage partners. We're attractedto people because they remind us of our parents (OR what wewanted our parents to be). When we realize that they are toomuch like our mother or our father, we become frustrated,communication breaks down, and we build self-protecting "walls".
So how can you grow in intimacy with your marriage partner? Hereare some keys to unlock the mystery of deeper intimacy.
Determine what you really need out of the relationship. Isfriendship more important than financial stability? Or must thebills be paid on time even if your spouse doesn't have much timewith you? Can you sacrifice long conversations for moreaffectionate behavior? Or do you need to talk things out nomatter how long it takes? The list can go on.
Determine what your spouse really needs. At first your husbandor wife may be reluctant to share what he or she needs. They mayhave never really thought about it in an organized fashion.Maybe it would help to have him/her write down his/her desireswhen he/she is relaxed. Some suggestions: do a really nice deedfor your partner like, drawing a warm bath or cooking a nicemeal. Then ask them to take the time to think about what theyneed in the relationship.
Make an effort to change your behavior everyday. If your partnerneeds more space, draw back a little. If they need more of yourtime, tune out any distractions and pay attention to yourspouse. You may start with fifteen or twenty minutes with no TV,phone, computer, radio, etc. and then gradually increase yourtime to one to two hours of uninterrupted time per day.
Finally, take care of yourself. If you are frazzled, you won'tbe a fun person to be around. Make sure that you have your own"me" time everyday where you can pray, meditate, and take careof your personal needs. Whether it's writing in a journal,reading a good book, giving yourself a manicure, or just veggingout, do it. You and your spouse will be happy you did
While instant chemistry can be exciting and thrilling, thechemistry that makes marriages work usually grows over time.This special chemistry between two people involves excellentcommunication and self sacrifice more than physical attraction.It takes trust, patience, and willingness to talk and to listen.
With greater intimacy, married partners can have a moresatisfying and fulfilling romantic life. They can learn whatpleases each other. For example, your wife may not like flowersall of the time. She may desire a massage, or a well cookedmeal. Or your husband may not want the latest fashionablesweater. It's a clean car or your full attention, he desiresmost.
Being able to express what you want is important and genuinelylistening to your spouse are key factors in building an intimateromance. Unfortunately, these skills aren't fully developed inmost marriages, so as the saying goes: "Married people can besome of the loneliest people in the world."
What generally inhibits partners from building deeperrelationships with each other?
Cary Barbor writes, "One partner (often the woman) will fight tobreak down defenses and create more intimacy while the other(often the man) will withdraw and create distance. So the "danceof intimacy" follows: If the woman gets too close, the man pullsback. If he moves too far away, she pursues, and so on." --Finding Real Love - Intimacy and Alienation, Psychology Today(Jan 2001)
She also comments that we often try to recreate and fulfill ourchildhood desires through our marriage partners. We're attractedto people because they remind us of our parents (OR what wewanted our parents to be). When we realize that they are toomuch like our mother or our father, we become frustrated,communication breaks down, and we build self-protecting "walls".
So how can you grow in intimacy with your marriage partner? Hereare some keys to unlock the mystery of deeper intimacy.
Determine what you really need out of the relationship. Isfriendship more important than financial stability? Or must thebills be paid on time even if your spouse doesn't have much timewith you? Can you sacrifice long conversations for moreaffectionate behavior? Or do you need to talk things out nomatter how long it takes? The list can go on.
Determine what your spouse really needs. At first your husbandor wife may be reluctant to share what he or she needs. They mayhave never really thought about it in an organized fashion.Maybe it would help to have him/her write down his/her desireswhen he/she is relaxed. Some suggestions: do a really nice deedfor your partner like, drawing a warm bath or cooking a nicemeal. Then ask them to take the time to think about what theyneed in the relationship.
Make an effort to change your behavior everyday. If your partnerneeds more space, draw back a little. If they need more of yourtime, tune out any distractions and pay attention to yourspouse. You may start with fifteen or twenty minutes with no TV,phone, computer, radio, etc. and then gradually increase yourtime to one to two hours of uninterrupted time per day.
Finally, take care of yourself. If you are frazzled, you won'tbe a fun person to be around. Make sure that you have your own"me" time everyday where you can pray, meditate, and take careof your personal needs. Whether it's writing in a journal,reading a good book, giving yourself a manicure, or just veggingout, do it. You and your spouse will be happy you did