"I don't want to be convinced that I'm wrong" from Yearnings: Embracing The Sacred Messiness Of Life by Irwin Kula Conflict resolution is simple: 1.
State clearly, in as few words as possible, what you want and/or need.
2.
Listen to find out what the other person wants and/or needs.
3.
Give up your need to be right (accept that the conflict exists because of you as much as because of the other person).
4.
Agree on a solution that meets as many wants and needs for both of you as possible based on "If X...
Then Y" ("If I do this (X), will you do that (Y)?" 5.
Commit to the agreement.
What's the big deal? The big deal is that people don't follow these steps.
Rather, they get angry, blame the other person and never see their responsibility for the conflict existing in the first place (step 3).
It's often difficult to see one's responsibility in a conflict, especially when one is angry and upset.
If this is true for you, what you have to know is that you are right, but so is the other person.
That's why there's a conflict to begin with.
Both of you think you're right and neither is willing to give up this belief.
Here's an example of a situation that could have turned ugly except that one person was willing to accept responsibility and give up the need to be right.
For 10 years, my friend Sally has worked for a company that finds temporary workers for companies that need them.
There's lots of paperwork in her job and if you ever saw Sally's desk, you'd be amazed that she can find anything.
Papers are piled on papers which are piled on books which, for all I know, is piled on top of a lunch Sally brought to work three years ago.
Her boss, Jane, is the exact opposite.
You could eat the lunch that Sally can't find off Jane's immaculate desk and, perhaps, off the carpet as well.
This has long been a source of conflict between Sally and Jane.
Jane admonishes Sally to clean her desk.
Sally does so.
One week later, Sally's desk has returned to its usual chaos followed by another scolding from Jane.
If Sally weren't so successful, Jane might have fired her long ago.
During the last Christmas holiday, this conflict came to a head.
While Sally was away visiting family, Jane took it upon herself to organize Sally's desk.
Jane threw out what she thought was unnecessary paperwork.
Additionally, she went into my friend's computer and deleted what she considered to be extraneous emails.
Consider how you would feel if this had happened to you.
Clearly, Jane was "wrong.
" She never should have done what she did without Sally's permission.
When Sally returned from vacation and discovered what her boss had done, she was furious.
But Sally was "wrong" as well.
If she worked at home, her messy desk would not have been an issue.
But she worked in an office and Jane was concerned about the "professional" appearance of the office.
Sally complained to me and I counseled her to give up her need to be right and, rather than complain and blame, apply the simple conflict resolution steps described above.
When she got to Step 4 ("If X, then Y"), Sally said to her boss, "So if I promise to keep my desk organized, will you promise to never again do anything without my permission?" Here's where Step 5 ("Commit to the agreement") is critical.
Both Sally and Jane will have reason to be angry if either one violates the agreement.
So far, neither has.
Consider the possibility that all conflicts can be resolved just this simply if you will put your feelings aside and give up the need to be right and follow these simple steps rather than worrying that you might be "convinced that I'm wrong.
"
State clearly, in as few words as possible, what you want and/or need.
2.
Listen to find out what the other person wants and/or needs.
3.
Give up your need to be right (accept that the conflict exists because of you as much as because of the other person).
4.
Agree on a solution that meets as many wants and needs for both of you as possible based on "If X...
Then Y" ("If I do this (X), will you do that (Y)?" 5.
Commit to the agreement.
What's the big deal? The big deal is that people don't follow these steps.
Rather, they get angry, blame the other person and never see their responsibility for the conflict existing in the first place (step 3).
It's often difficult to see one's responsibility in a conflict, especially when one is angry and upset.
If this is true for you, what you have to know is that you are right, but so is the other person.
That's why there's a conflict to begin with.
Both of you think you're right and neither is willing to give up this belief.
Here's an example of a situation that could have turned ugly except that one person was willing to accept responsibility and give up the need to be right.
For 10 years, my friend Sally has worked for a company that finds temporary workers for companies that need them.
There's lots of paperwork in her job and if you ever saw Sally's desk, you'd be amazed that she can find anything.
Papers are piled on papers which are piled on books which, for all I know, is piled on top of a lunch Sally brought to work three years ago.
Her boss, Jane, is the exact opposite.
You could eat the lunch that Sally can't find off Jane's immaculate desk and, perhaps, off the carpet as well.
This has long been a source of conflict between Sally and Jane.
Jane admonishes Sally to clean her desk.
Sally does so.
One week later, Sally's desk has returned to its usual chaos followed by another scolding from Jane.
If Sally weren't so successful, Jane might have fired her long ago.
During the last Christmas holiday, this conflict came to a head.
While Sally was away visiting family, Jane took it upon herself to organize Sally's desk.
Jane threw out what she thought was unnecessary paperwork.
Additionally, she went into my friend's computer and deleted what she considered to be extraneous emails.
Consider how you would feel if this had happened to you.
Clearly, Jane was "wrong.
" She never should have done what she did without Sally's permission.
When Sally returned from vacation and discovered what her boss had done, she was furious.
But Sally was "wrong" as well.
If she worked at home, her messy desk would not have been an issue.
But she worked in an office and Jane was concerned about the "professional" appearance of the office.
Sally complained to me and I counseled her to give up her need to be right and, rather than complain and blame, apply the simple conflict resolution steps described above.
When she got to Step 4 ("If X, then Y"), Sally said to her boss, "So if I promise to keep my desk organized, will you promise to never again do anything without my permission?" Here's where Step 5 ("Commit to the agreement") is critical.
Both Sally and Jane will have reason to be angry if either one violates the agreement.
So far, neither has.
Consider the possibility that all conflicts can be resolved just this simply if you will put your feelings aside and give up the need to be right and follow these simple steps rather than worrying that you might be "convinced that I'm wrong.
"