Divorce is a human disaster only made worse when you don't commit to managing yourself, and being the best person you have in you to be.
Here are six basic tips that provide a framework for focusing, containing, and managing your strong feelings: 1)As terrible as it might feel now, know for sure it will get better.
Divorce causes thoughts and feelings to run wild - high anxiety, embarrassment, failure, rejection, rage, depression.
If you didn't know it already, it's now obvious that your thoughts are dominated by your emotional state.
Maintaining emotional equilibrium, which includes getting "help" if necessary, keeps your mind from giving in to panic and pessimism, and lets the best part of you do the navigating - the key to future happiness.
2)Keep your head up, and don't worry about what other people are thinking (you're probably wrong anyway.
) It's been said that 90% of life is about showing up, and that's especially true now.
Introspection will produce insight, but now is especially the time to do what needs to be done - so let's get on with it.
3)Despite how hard it is, make every effort humanly possible to maintain and sustain the rhythms of every day domestic life.
It isn't just for your children; you'll also benefit from this stability and regularity.
Attend family gatherings, go to your kids' school events (even if the ex will be there), continue to be a visible member of your community.
Take a class.
Eat right and exercise.
And yes, cry - behind closed doors, or with your best friend, or with a therapist.
4)Do not put yourself in the hands of a "shark" style lawyer unless it's been made absolutely necessary by the behavior of your ex.
Yes, you must defend your rights and your financial future, but too many people use self-defense as an excuse for vengeance, escalating an already fragile situation into outright warfare.
That's what sharks do - and they charge an arm and a leg to do it.
It can poison the family for years.
5)If you have kids, focus on them and their need to have reliable parenting - especially while their parents go through a crisis.
No matter how calm they look, kids are fantasizing and speculating like crazy.
Words alone won't do the job, although talking to them, reassuring and comforting them, is absolutely necessary.
Your kids are watching you closely and noticing how hard it is for you to "be there" for them, no matter what you say.
It's been said often (and is totally true): parents are teachers, and you need to model for your children that life moves forward, that challenges are there to be met, that we're in this together, you'll get what you need, and everything's going to be fine.
6)Do not badmouth your ex in front of the children, even if they say they agree with your feelings and share some of your grievances toward the ex.
That also applies to telephone conversations where your children might be within earshot.
It isn't just being sensitive to your children's complicated feelings about your ex; it's also about self-control and basic respect - even if unearned, in your opinion.
Repeat: Know for sure it will get better (see above.
) Yes, "reality happens," but it also becomes what you make it, and how you live it.
Time passes, and there are lessons to be learned about yourself and life - if you're available to learning them.
People who care about you are watching.
Your kids are watching.
They're rooting for you.
Be grateful they're there, and know that the only way you'd actually let them down would be to quit.
Here are six basic tips that provide a framework for focusing, containing, and managing your strong feelings: 1)As terrible as it might feel now, know for sure it will get better.
Divorce causes thoughts and feelings to run wild - high anxiety, embarrassment, failure, rejection, rage, depression.
If you didn't know it already, it's now obvious that your thoughts are dominated by your emotional state.
Maintaining emotional equilibrium, which includes getting "help" if necessary, keeps your mind from giving in to panic and pessimism, and lets the best part of you do the navigating - the key to future happiness.
2)Keep your head up, and don't worry about what other people are thinking (you're probably wrong anyway.
) It's been said that 90% of life is about showing up, and that's especially true now.
Introspection will produce insight, but now is especially the time to do what needs to be done - so let's get on with it.
3)Despite how hard it is, make every effort humanly possible to maintain and sustain the rhythms of every day domestic life.
It isn't just for your children; you'll also benefit from this stability and regularity.
Attend family gatherings, go to your kids' school events (even if the ex will be there), continue to be a visible member of your community.
Take a class.
Eat right and exercise.
And yes, cry - behind closed doors, or with your best friend, or with a therapist.
4)Do not put yourself in the hands of a "shark" style lawyer unless it's been made absolutely necessary by the behavior of your ex.
Yes, you must defend your rights and your financial future, but too many people use self-defense as an excuse for vengeance, escalating an already fragile situation into outright warfare.
That's what sharks do - and they charge an arm and a leg to do it.
It can poison the family for years.
5)If you have kids, focus on them and their need to have reliable parenting - especially while their parents go through a crisis.
No matter how calm they look, kids are fantasizing and speculating like crazy.
Words alone won't do the job, although talking to them, reassuring and comforting them, is absolutely necessary.
Your kids are watching you closely and noticing how hard it is for you to "be there" for them, no matter what you say.
It's been said often (and is totally true): parents are teachers, and you need to model for your children that life moves forward, that challenges are there to be met, that we're in this together, you'll get what you need, and everything's going to be fine.
6)Do not badmouth your ex in front of the children, even if they say they agree with your feelings and share some of your grievances toward the ex.
That also applies to telephone conversations where your children might be within earshot.
It isn't just being sensitive to your children's complicated feelings about your ex; it's also about self-control and basic respect - even if unearned, in your opinion.
Repeat: Know for sure it will get better (see above.
) Yes, "reality happens," but it also becomes what you make it, and how you live it.
Time passes, and there are lessons to be learned about yourself and life - if you're available to learning them.
People who care about you are watching.
Your kids are watching.
They're rooting for you.
Be grateful they're there, and know that the only way you'd actually let them down would be to quit.