There are a series of elements to be aware of in advance BEFORE you talk to your kids about their parents parting ways.
We've explored some of these elements in some of my other articles.
So expand on our Step 2 article one important and very obvious element to discuss and be very specific about is which parent will be leaving, if they have not left already.
In this process of research and planning you are teaching yourself how to talk to children about divorce, and most importantly how to talk to your children about the separation.
You need to know what the living arrangements are going to be.
You need to have agreed this with your former partner.
If it's them that is moving out, it's important to know the address they will be staying at, because you need to paint a picture and make every brush stroke of that picture clean, clear and certain.
Tell your kids the specific details of exactly where the parent will be living.
Tell them when they will be seeing the parent that will no longer be living with them.
Keep staying with the facts, stay away from opinions of good and bad, right and wrong, who's at fault and who isn't.
Let them know straight away how the contact, visitation and relationship with the parent that will be living somewhere else will be taking place.
They need to know that they will be in a position to maintain a level of quality relationship with this parent, and that's even more important because they will not be living under the same roof.
If they are not under the same roof a sense of abandonment naturally arises in your children, which makes them feel they've done something wrong and erodes their levels of trust in people.
This needs to be countered in advance.
It's important to have the specifics, it's important to have a level of contact maintained from day one if and where possible.
The more this is avoided, extended and argued the more you unknowingly implant the feeling of abandonment and exaggerate the confusion within your children.
So knowing how to talk to children about divorce is an aspect that requires intelligent attention.
Some of the responses many parents and children of divorce report as a reaction of feeling abandoned are wetting the bed, anxiety, a fear that their other parent is going to leave them too.
Your child's attention is going from the known to the unknown and this is a fearful environment.
So at each step stay aware and do whatever it takes to have specific details, routines and planned contact with both parents.
Make it certain.
Be certain.
Bring your child's attention towards certain things that WILL be happening.
None of this is their fault, and as a caring parent efforts can be made to surround your child in a parental picture free from blame so they are less likely to self harm themselves.
Each of us as parents know on some level what is right, what is the best course of action.
We know what harms and what supports and yet most of the time our mind needs reminding of what impact on children from divorce or separation has, even more so when it's a highly emotionally charged time for ourselves.
So to recap on how to talk to children about divorce or separation: be clear, paint a picture factually of what parent is going and where they specifically will be living.
Paint the picture of when, how often and where they will be seeing each parent, more especially the one that is going to be living somewhere else.
Be prepared to answer questions about this, and try to be factual and specific in your responses.
And if your child says things like "I don't want this to happen", "I don't want anyone to leave".
It's time to listen and support them rather than throw answers and justifications their way.
It's at times like these that being in too much of a rush to answer questions closes your children off.
Simply listen and support.
Your children have feelings, give them the space to express them.
Learning how to talk to children about divorce is not all about you doing the talking with your mouth.
By listening and being there and supportive you are talking a more silent language that many call love.
We've explored some of these elements in some of my other articles.
So expand on our Step 2 article one important and very obvious element to discuss and be very specific about is which parent will be leaving, if they have not left already.
In this process of research and planning you are teaching yourself how to talk to children about divorce, and most importantly how to talk to your children about the separation.
You need to know what the living arrangements are going to be.
You need to have agreed this with your former partner.
If it's them that is moving out, it's important to know the address they will be staying at, because you need to paint a picture and make every brush stroke of that picture clean, clear and certain.
Tell your kids the specific details of exactly where the parent will be living.
Tell them when they will be seeing the parent that will no longer be living with them.
Keep staying with the facts, stay away from opinions of good and bad, right and wrong, who's at fault and who isn't.
Let them know straight away how the contact, visitation and relationship with the parent that will be living somewhere else will be taking place.
They need to know that they will be in a position to maintain a level of quality relationship with this parent, and that's even more important because they will not be living under the same roof.
If they are not under the same roof a sense of abandonment naturally arises in your children, which makes them feel they've done something wrong and erodes their levels of trust in people.
This needs to be countered in advance.
It's important to have the specifics, it's important to have a level of contact maintained from day one if and where possible.
The more this is avoided, extended and argued the more you unknowingly implant the feeling of abandonment and exaggerate the confusion within your children.
So knowing how to talk to children about divorce is an aspect that requires intelligent attention.
Some of the responses many parents and children of divorce report as a reaction of feeling abandoned are wetting the bed, anxiety, a fear that their other parent is going to leave them too.
Your child's attention is going from the known to the unknown and this is a fearful environment.
So at each step stay aware and do whatever it takes to have specific details, routines and planned contact with both parents.
Make it certain.
Be certain.
Bring your child's attention towards certain things that WILL be happening.
None of this is their fault, and as a caring parent efforts can be made to surround your child in a parental picture free from blame so they are less likely to self harm themselves.
Each of us as parents know on some level what is right, what is the best course of action.
We know what harms and what supports and yet most of the time our mind needs reminding of what impact on children from divorce or separation has, even more so when it's a highly emotionally charged time for ourselves.
So to recap on how to talk to children about divorce or separation: be clear, paint a picture factually of what parent is going and where they specifically will be living.
Paint the picture of when, how often and where they will be seeing each parent, more especially the one that is going to be living somewhere else.
Be prepared to answer questions about this, and try to be factual and specific in your responses.
And if your child says things like "I don't want this to happen", "I don't want anyone to leave".
It's time to listen and support them rather than throw answers and justifications their way.
It's at times like these that being in too much of a rush to answer questions closes your children off.
Simply listen and support.
Your children have feelings, give them the space to express them.
Learning how to talk to children about divorce is not all about you doing the talking with your mouth.
By listening and being there and supportive you are talking a more silent language that many call love.