Unsolicited advice is so common in cases of invisible illness, you could practically consider it another symptom! If you have invisible illness or any illness that people don't understand, you're going to get unsolicited advice.
Receiving unsolicited advice doesn't say anything bad about you.
Even if far more people try to give you advice than did so when you were well, it doesn't mean you are doing a bad job or making worse choices now.
It just means you're in a less well-understood life situation.
Perhaps because your life seems hard, people feel compelled to give you helpful suggestions.
Or perhaps they are unaware of the trade-offs you might be making, such as: -Benefiting from exercise versus damaging your body from exercise.
-Trying alternative treatments that might not work versus missing out on alternative treatments that others seem to have found helpful.
-Adhering to your treatment regimen versus letting lose and having fun.
It takes so much skill to survive with a life-altering chronic illness that it's not much of an overstatement to say that outsiders without the illness have nothing to offer.
People would not offer advice to a heart patient about how to deal with her condition, since they see it as a real condition and would not want to get between the patient and her doctor.
But since invisible illness is not always recognized as serious or real illness, outsiders might think they are qualified to offer advice.
I will take advice from people with my condition; but advice from people without experience with my condition has usually made me feel worse, whether because it was bad advice for me (such as "Get out and run more") or because it implied that I was making poor choices in my life (such as, "Maybe you're tired because you don't get out enough").
But people offer advice nonetheless.
Here's how I interpret it: 1) First question: Does this person offering the advice understand my situation? If not, then there is no need to take the advice seriously.
Just smile and nod.
This holds in general, even for advice about things other than illness.
2) Has anyone with my condition (or anyone who intimately understands my illness and my personal situation) offered me this same advice? If not, I can discard it.
If multiple people are aware of your situation; and if no one who knows your situation is telling you that this is a problem; then it's probably not a problem.
How to Give a Good Response to Unsolicited Advice: A) Commit to being non-defensive.
You don't need to prove yourself or to explain yourself.
In fact, you don't even need to respond at all.
A response to written advice could be as simple as "Thanks for your concern" or "Interesting.
" The less explanation in your response, the better.
If you try to explain the situation, the person might try to argue with some of your points, because they might not understand the context or the knowledge underlying why these points are true.
B) If you decide to respond, first express thanks for how the person went out of her way to try to help you.
Focus on your gratitude that they care about you and went out of their way to try to help.
Try to see their comments as good-will attempts to help you, rather than indictments of your choices.
C) If you have already encountered or considered what the person is bringing to your attention, say firmly, I'm already aware of what you are mentioning, and given that this issue has been a major part of my life for a long time, it's going to be hard to tell me anything I don't know or haven't considered (unless you yourself have the same illness).
Implied: I am not interested in further suggestions.
Also implied: I am the expert about my own situation.
D) To help the person to feel like they helped you (in which case they are less likely to pester you in the future), you could add, if they helped you to think of anything to try, "But now that you mention it, I have been thinking about trying ___, or I've been meaning to do ___, etc.
" E) This last part is just for fun, probably not to actually say to anyone unless they were being particularly egregious: "Could I offer you some unsolicited advice back? "Have you thought about how people might feel when you tell relative strangers that you think you know better than they do what they should be doing? "I am concerned for you.
I think this strategy might hurt you in life.
"I encourage you to be more cautious about offering unsolicited advice; and if you do say something, I think you should learn to say it in a nonviolent, sensitive manner.
" How to give unsolicited advice: 1) Don't.
2) If you must, firstask how well you know the person's situation.
Also ask how well you know the topic about which you would give unsolicited advice.
If your answer to at least one of these is not "extremely well," go back to (1).
3) Use Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
Use "I" statements and stick to saying things about yourself and your own feelings and situation.
4) Most importantly, don't assume you are right! Even if you are sure that you are right and the person is wrong, there could be factors you don't know about, or your information might be wrong.
Withhold judgment! 5) Express confidence in the person's judgment: Before staying anything, start by establishing, "I am sure you know what you're doing.
I respect your judgment.
You've probably already thought through this.
" Offering advice without establishing your respect for their judgment is tantamount to saying, "I think your judgment is so bad that I am assuming you are in the wrong even when I hardly know what is going on.
" 5) Portray the issue as a concern that you are having, involving up with your own emotions and experience (since that is what unsolicited advice is anyway).
"I am just having my own issue, where for my own reasons, I get worried about ___ happening.
" "In my limited experience, I thought that __ was true.
Perhaps you know more about this than I do.
" "I know that in my own experience, which is a completely different case from yours, __ works for me.
But your case must be different from mine.
I'd be interested in hearing how it's different so I can learn more.
" 6) Use plenty of qualifiers to make it clear that the other person is an expert in their own situation, and if you are questioning them about it, it is as much for your own education as for their potential education.
Since they are the experts on their own situation, they are more likely to have something to tell you than for you to have something to tell them.
Receiving unsolicited advice doesn't say anything bad about you.
Even if far more people try to give you advice than did so when you were well, it doesn't mean you are doing a bad job or making worse choices now.
It just means you're in a less well-understood life situation.
Perhaps because your life seems hard, people feel compelled to give you helpful suggestions.
Or perhaps they are unaware of the trade-offs you might be making, such as: -Benefiting from exercise versus damaging your body from exercise.
-Trying alternative treatments that might not work versus missing out on alternative treatments that others seem to have found helpful.
-Adhering to your treatment regimen versus letting lose and having fun.
It takes so much skill to survive with a life-altering chronic illness that it's not much of an overstatement to say that outsiders without the illness have nothing to offer.
People would not offer advice to a heart patient about how to deal with her condition, since they see it as a real condition and would not want to get between the patient and her doctor.
But since invisible illness is not always recognized as serious or real illness, outsiders might think they are qualified to offer advice.
I will take advice from people with my condition; but advice from people without experience with my condition has usually made me feel worse, whether because it was bad advice for me (such as "Get out and run more") or because it implied that I was making poor choices in my life (such as, "Maybe you're tired because you don't get out enough").
But people offer advice nonetheless.
Here's how I interpret it: 1) First question: Does this person offering the advice understand my situation? If not, then there is no need to take the advice seriously.
Just smile and nod.
This holds in general, even for advice about things other than illness.
2) Has anyone with my condition (or anyone who intimately understands my illness and my personal situation) offered me this same advice? If not, I can discard it.
If multiple people are aware of your situation; and if no one who knows your situation is telling you that this is a problem; then it's probably not a problem.
How to Give a Good Response to Unsolicited Advice: A) Commit to being non-defensive.
You don't need to prove yourself or to explain yourself.
In fact, you don't even need to respond at all.
A response to written advice could be as simple as "Thanks for your concern" or "Interesting.
" The less explanation in your response, the better.
If you try to explain the situation, the person might try to argue with some of your points, because they might not understand the context or the knowledge underlying why these points are true.
B) If you decide to respond, first express thanks for how the person went out of her way to try to help you.
Focus on your gratitude that they care about you and went out of their way to try to help.
Try to see their comments as good-will attempts to help you, rather than indictments of your choices.
C) If you have already encountered or considered what the person is bringing to your attention, say firmly, I'm already aware of what you are mentioning, and given that this issue has been a major part of my life for a long time, it's going to be hard to tell me anything I don't know or haven't considered (unless you yourself have the same illness).
Implied: I am not interested in further suggestions.
Also implied: I am the expert about my own situation.
D) To help the person to feel like they helped you (in which case they are less likely to pester you in the future), you could add, if they helped you to think of anything to try, "But now that you mention it, I have been thinking about trying ___, or I've been meaning to do ___, etc.
" E) This last part is just for fun, probably not to actually say to anyone unless they were being particularly egregious: "Could I offer you some unsolicited advice back? "Have you thought about how people might feel when you tell relative strangers that you think you know better than they do what they should be doing? "I am concerned for you.
I think this strategy might hurt you in life.
"I encourage you to be more cautious about offering unsolicited advice; and if you do say something, I think you should learn to say it in a nonviolent, sensitive manner.
" How to give unsolicited advice: 1) Don't.
2) If you must, firstask how well you know the person's situation.
Also ask how well you know the topic about which you would give unsolicited advice.
If your answer to at least one of these is not "extremely well," go back to (1).
3) Use Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
Use "I" statements and stick to saying things about yourself and your own feelings and situation.
4) Most importantly, don't assume you are right! Even if you are sure that you are right and the person is wrong, there could be factors you don't know about, or your information might be wrong.
Withhold judgment! 5) Express confidence in the person's judgment: Before staying anything, start by establishing, "I am sure you know what you're doing.
I respect your judgment.
You've probably already thought through this.
" Offering advice without establishing your respect for their judgment is tantamount to saying, "I think your judgment is so bad that I am assuming you are in the wrong even when I hardly know what is going on.
" 5) Portray the issue as a concern that you are having, involving up with your own emotions and experience (since that is what unsolicited advice is anyway).
"I am just having my own issue, where for my own reasons, I get worried about ___ happening.
" "In my limited experience, I thought that __ was true.
Perhaps you know more about this than I do.
" "I know that in my own experience, which is a completely different case from yours, __ works for me.
But your case must be different from mine.
I'd be interested in hearing how it's different so I can learn more.
" 6) Use plenty of qualifiers to make it clear that the other person is an expert in their own situation, and if you are questioning them about it, it is as much for your own education as for their potential education.
Since they are the experts on their own situation, they are more likely to have something to tell you than for you to have something to tell them.