The "Rules" Are Made to Be Broken - Bringing Consciousness to The Dating World
In this day and age, the concept of dating consciously is almost a foreign one, I'm afraid.
The Dating World is such that we've all been conditioned to "play the game," to put up masks and defenses, to be whatever it is the other person would like us to be.
To top all that, there are about a million books out there that tell us how we should use manipulation if we want to date "successfully," how to "capture" Mr.
Right/Ms.
Right, etc.
With all the interference, pretences, fear and expectations, it's not surprising if you are hopelessly confused as to how you should go about handling even that first date, let alone what you should do afterwards.
With all that said, I believe there is hope.
In this article, I'm going to break down Lauren's Rules, empower you to make your own rules, and encourage you to listen to your heart and do what works and is right for YOU (or as my best friend Angel always says: "Take what you like, and leave the rest").
So here they are...
my very own guidelines for conscious (and kind) dating: 1.
Fall in love with yourself! A relationship, any relationship, starts with the relationship you have with yourself.
Notice how you talk to yourself -- does one of your voices sounds like a harsh critic? Do you think that you are flawed? Unlucky? Unlovable? Are you unforgiving with yourself? I challenge you to question those beliefs and know that you are precisely who you need to be for your life mission! Love yourself FIRST, always.
If you can't, how can anyone else? To find someone who is good for you, you MUST be good to yourself! 2.
Get passionate! But not (only) about finding a mate.
Find something, anything, that makes you jazzed about life which doesn't relate to finding a partner.
In other words, get a life! Volunteer, get involved in the community, paint, write, act, take up some hobbies! There's nothing more magnetizing than someone who is passionate about life and what they do.
Also, once you're in a relationship, these adopted activities will help you to not lose your sense of self.
Remember, you don't need to destroy your individuality in order to love another.
3.
When dating, be aware of projecting past hurts onto the new men/women.
This projection is one of the reasons why it's so important to give yourself the time you need to heal before getting back out there.
When you do date someone new, consciously notice if you're being defensive and projecting any past mistreatments onto her/him.
Remember, just because someone mistreated you in the past doesn't mean the next person will do the same.
On that same note, there's a line in the movie Hope Floats that our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives trying to get over.
When dating or in a relationship, watch out for the "role" you play.
This is especially challenging when coming from a less-than-perfect past/upbringing (which most of us have!).
We all do what we know.
Oftentimes we fall into the comfortable familiarity of playing out our past dramas and themes from our childhood, by adopting the behavior of one of our parents (i.
e.
"role models") and coincidently choosing a partner (or being drawn to a person) who feels "familiar.
" In these cases, awareness is priceless, but it's only half the battle.
(Still, I highly recommend journaling your way into awareness / consciousness!)Changing also requires an immense amount of patience, consensus, maturity (on both parts!) and oftentimes a good therapist/counselor to break the cycle of an unhealthy pattern! In addition, you'll need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable for a while as you work on changing.
4.
Here's a hard one: Have no agenda -- not on the first few dates, at least.
When you're busy fantasizing about your wedding day with someone you've just met, you miss out on the great opportunity of experiencing someone new and truly getting to know them.
Be careful of planning your whole life before assessing if someone is good for you.
At times, we all can be scared about being alone forever.
As a result, we might think that just because someone is the exact opposite of our ex (who coincidently mistreated us), has a decent job, a decent look, and no severe addictions (that we know of), this means we can make it work and they are our perfect match.
We can be almost too willing to talk ourselves into just about anyone, and in the process, we rush ourselves into relationships that aren't necessarily right for us and, in the long run, will not work.
5.
Listen to what people tell you.
More often than not, the people we date are telling us the truth.
When someone says that they aren't good enough to be with you, or the famous "It's not you, it's me," believe them -- they are probably right! Before you knock yourself out trying to convince them otherwise, ask yourself the following question: "Is this a person I truly want to be with?!" If the answer is yes, then ask yourself why.
Is the answer you receive a good reason to continue to explore the relationship? 6.
Attitude is everything.
You can't always control what happens, but you can control how you deal with it.
Remember, you are exactly where you need to be.
Think positive.
It is my belief that love, like happiness, is always a choice.
So, be good to YOURSELF, and choose to be happy.
Open yourself up to the world and its wonders.
Dating/meeting new people is fascinating; enjoy the process! 7.
Remember, "man's/woman's rejection is God's protection" (from Angel again!).
There will always be someone else.
Our capacity for love never diminishes; instead, it grows.
Every connection, every relationship, if ended, has prepared you for a greater love.
Don't be standing too long in front of a closed door.
Try looking out all those open windows.
There are millions and millions of people out there! If a person does not see you for the amazing treasure that you truly are, it is not because you are not AMAZING enough, GOOD enough, BEAUTIFUL enough.
It is THE MAN/WOMAN who is near-sighted.
As Angel told me: "Go where the love is.
" Life's too short to try to force anyone to love you.
(Can't do it anyway!) If someone is silly enough to walk away, find someone else who will stay.
8.
Physical intimacy does not guarantee emotional intimacy! Oftentimes people rush into physical intimacy (before either person is really ready) as a quick way to achieve immediate closeness, which could backfire.
When you sleep with someone too soon, your hormones get in the way, cloud your mind, and you are automatically emotionally involved -- sometimes with the wrong person! It is my opinion that you should spend some time with someone before getting into the sack! The Golden Rule here is Self-Respect.
Take your time and don't force yourself into anything you're not comfortable with! 9.
While opposites do attract (but later can drive you INSANE), it is compatibility that will make it last.
Trying to change someone is the quickest, surest route to frustration and misery.
To me, compatibility is as important as anything else! Either you can accept someone and love them as they are, or do yourself and them the biggest favor -- let them go and move on! 10.
When making a choice or a decision, try to make it from a place of love and not a place of fear (i.
e.
love for yourself, as well as for others).
Bring awareness and listen to yourself.
Ask yourself: "Why am I making this decision?" For example, if you are walking away or sabotaging something that might have potential, explore deeper and ask yourself why.
(Again, journaling and therapy are highly recommended!).
And remember, not making a decision is also making a choice.
BONUS:And here's a Bonus Rule...
Always remember, your safety comes first!On your first few dates, always have at your disposal: (1) your own transportation, (2) cash and (3) mints (for you and your date).
Also, meeting the person at a public place is best in the beginning.
Always remember, whatever "roadblock" you face on your way to happiness is actually a door to a better experience, to your happiness, to a higher level of consciousness and of being! When dating and otherwise, I ask of you kindness, but not only kindness to others.
I ask also for nurturing and kindness to the miraculous creation, unlike any other, that is absolutely YOU!
The Dating World is such that we've all been conditioned to "play the game," to put up masks and defenses, to be whatever it is the other person would like us to be.
To top all that, there are about a million books out there that tell us how we should use manipulation if we want to date "successfully," how to "capture" Mr.
Right/Ms.
Right, etc.
With all the interference, pretences, fear and expectations, it's not surprising if you are hopelessly confused as to how you should go about handling even that first date, let alone what you should do afterwards.
With all that said, I believe there is hope.
In this article, I'm going to break down Lauren's Rules, empower you to make your own rules, and encourage you to listen to your heart and do what works and is right for YOU (or as my best friend Angel always says: "Take what you like, and leave the rest").
So here they are...
my very own guidelines for conscious (and kind) dating: 1.
Fall in love with yourself! A relationship, any relationship, starts with the relationship you have with yourself.
Notice how you talk to yourself -- does one of your voices sounds like a harsh critic? Do you think that you are flawed? Unlucky? Unlovable? Are you unforgiving with yourself? I challenge you to question those beliefs and know that you are precisely who you need to be for your life mission! Love yourself FIRST, always.
If you can't, how can anyone else? To find someone who is good for you, you MUST be good to yourself! 2.
Get passionate! But not (only) about finding a mate.
Find something, anything, that makes you jazzed about life which doesn't relate to finding a partner.
In other words, get a life! Volunteer, get involved in the community, paint, write, act, take up some hobbies! There's nothing more magnetizing than someone who is passionate about life and what they do.
Also, once you're in a relationship, these adopted activities will help you to not lose your sense of self.
Remember, you don't need to destroy your individuality in order to love another.
3.
When dating, be aware of projecting past hurts onto the new men/women.
This projection is one of the reasons why it's so important to give yourself the time you need to heal before getting back out there.
When you do date someone new, consciously notice if you're being defensive and projecting any past mistreatments onto her/him.
Remember, just because someone mistreated you in the past doesn't mean the next person will do the same.
On that same note, there's a line in the movie Hope Floats that our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives trying to get over.
When dating or in a relationship, watch out for the "role" you play.
This is especially challenging when coming from a less-than-perfect past/upbringing (which most of us have!).
We all do what we know.
Oftentimes we fall into the comfortable familiarity of playing out our past dramas and themes from our childhood, by adopting the behavior of one of our parents (i.
e.
"role models") and coincidently choosing a partner (or being drawn to a person) who feels "familiar.
" In these cases, awareness is priceless, but it's only half the battle.
(Still, I highly recommend journaling your way into awareness / consciousness!)Changing also requires an immense amount of patience, consensus, maturity (on both parts!) and oftentimes a good therapist/counselor to break the cycle of an unhealthy pattern! In addition, you'll need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable for a while as you work on changing.
4.
Here's a hard one: Have no agenda -- not on the first few dates, at least.
When you're busy fantasizing about your wedding day with someone you've just met, you miss out on the great opportunity of experiencing someone new and truly getting to know them.
Be careful of planning your whole life before assessing if someone is good for you.
At times, we all can be scared about being alone forever.
As a result, we might think that just because someone is the exact opposite of our ex (who coincidently mistreated us), has a decent job, a decent look, and no severe addictions (that we know of), this means we can make it work and they are our perfect match.
We can be almost too willing to talk ourselves into just about anyone, and in the process, we rush ourselves into relationships that aren't necessarily right for us and, in the long run, will not work.
5.
Listen to what people tell you.
More often than not, the people we date are telling us the truth.
When someone says that they aren't good enough to be with you, or the famous "It's not you, it's me," believe them -- they are probably right! Before you knock yourself out trying to convince them otherwise, ask yourself the following question: "Is this a person I truly want to be with?!" If the answer is yes, then ask yourself why.
Is the answer you receive a good reason to continue to explore the relationship? 6.
Attitude is everything.
You can't always control what happens, but you can control how you deal with it.
Remember, you are exactly where you need to be.
Think positive.
It is my belief that love, like happiness, is always a choice.
So, be good to YOURSELF, and choose to be happy.
Open yourself up to the world and its wonders.
Dating/meeting new people is fascinating; enjoy the process! 7.
Remember, "man's/woman's rejection is God's protection" (from Angel again!).
There will always be someone else.
Our capacity for love never diminishes; instead, it grows.
Every connection, every relationship, if ended, has prepared you for a greater love.
Don't be standing too long in front of a closed door.
Try looking out all those open windows.
There are millions and millions of people out there! If a person does not see you for the amazing treasure that you truly are, it is not because you are not AMAZING enough, GOOD enough, BEAUTIFUL enough.
It is THE MAN/WOMAN who is near-sighted.
As Angel told me: "Go where the love is.
" Life's too short to try to force anyone to love you.
(Can't do it anyway!) If someone is silly enough to walk away, find someone else who will stay.
8.
Physical intimacy does not guarantee emotional intimacy! Oftentimes people rush into physical intimacy (before either person is really ready) as a quick way to achieve immediate closeness, which could backfire.
When you sleep with someone too soon, your hormones get in the way, cloud your mind, and you are automatically emotionally involved -- sometimes with the wrong person! It is my opinion that you should spend some time with someone before getting into the sack! The Golden Rule here is Self-Respect.
Take your time and don't force yourself into anything you're not comfortable with! 9.
While opposites do attract (but later can drive you INSANE), it is compatibility that will make it last.
Trying to change someone is the quickest, surest route to frustration and misery.
To me, compatibility is as important as anything else! Either you can accept someone and love them as they are, or do yourself and them the biggest favor -- let them go and move on! 10.
When making a choice or a decision, try to make it from a place of love and not a place of fear (i.
e.
love for yourself, as well as for others).
Bring awareness and listen to yourself.
Ask yourself: "Why am I making this decision?" For example, if you are walking away or sabotaging something that might have potential, explore deeper and ask yourself why.
(Again, journaling and therapy are highly recommended!).
And remember, not making a decision is also making a choice.
BONUS:And here's a Bonus Rule...
Always remember, your safety comes first!On your first few dates, always have at your disposal: (1) your own transportation, (2) cash and (3) mints (for you and your date).
Also, meeting the person at a public place is best in the beginning.
Always remember, whatever "roadblock" you face on your way to happiness is actually a door to a better experience, to your happiness, to a higher level of consciousness and of being! When dating and otherwise, I ask of you kindness, but not only kindness to others.
I ask also for nurturing and kindness to the miraculous creation, unlike any other, that is absolutely YOU!