Simple Changes To Voting Laws Should Do The Trick They say that if you're in your twenties and you're not a liberal, you have no heart - and that if you're in your forties and you're not a conservative, you have no brain.
This is true, of course...
so the key to attaining our Utopian national bliss is to make a few simple changes to our voting laws! I mean, if we work it right, we can make people vote so brainlessly they won't even know they're voting.
Our dear leaders have been working on this slowly (you might say "progressively") for decades, with things like Obamacare and enviro-fascist laws designed to ensure fewer voters make it to their forties.
Also, of course, our academic and media institutions are slaving feverishly to ensure fewer Americans develop brains.
But, despite good progress, this is going too slowly.
Too many voters keep insisting on using things like "logic" and "precedent" to form their opinions.
Many are tricked by their logical minds into doing mean-spirited things like starting a business, creating wealth, and joining subversive groups (such as the Republican party, the tea-party movement, or the Air Force).
We must act now to stop this (lack of) madness! A few years ago, the minimum voting age was reduced to 18, and that was a step in the right direction.
But we can do more.
I say: drop it to twelve! All school buses could stop at the polls on voting day, on the way to 6th-grade homeroom.
Better yet, since voting these days resembles taking a standardized test, heck, just add a couple more bubbles to every answer sheet, starting in middle school Algebra.
"If a train (whatever that is) leaves Memphis at 2 p.
m.
, traveling at 75 m.
p.
h.
, should that be (a) regulated, (b) taxed, or (c) both?" "If Sally has two apples, and Jane has only one, Sally is a capitalist pig and Jane is a victim! Should you (a) vote Obama, (b) vote Obama, or (c) both?" And if any kid doesn't answer "c" on all these key questions, well, they could be placed in special remedial re-education classes (or "camps").
This could work.
Of course, the real key would be to institute a maximum voting age of, say, 29.
You wouldn't want to disenfranchise grad students, and therefore you'd have to accept that some other twenty-somethings will still develop independent thought.
Most of those, though, won't bother to vote anyway.
Think of all the campaign funds we'll save when we don't have to run all those ads to dupe seniors! And when there just aren't many seniors left to dupe! And when, medically, anyone over 32 is a senior! I know, I know: the process to make such changes is cumbersome and slow.
Just remember: that didn't stop Obamacare! If we follow the example of our dear leaders, we can sneak these changes through late on a Sunday night, and all the GOP primary publicity in the world won't save them.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
This is true, of course...
so the key to attaining our Utopian national bliss is to make a few simple changes to our voting laws! I mean, if we work it right, we can make people vote so brainlessly they won't even know they're voting.
Our dear leaders have been working on this slowly (you might say "progressively") for decades, with things like Obamacare and enviro-fascist laws designed to ensure fewer voters make it to their forties.
Also, of course, our academic and media institutions are slaving feverishly to ensure fewer Americans develop brains.
But, despite good progress, this is going too slowly.
Too many voters keep insisting on using things like "logic" and "precedent" to form their opinions.
Many are tricked by their logical minds into doing mean-spirited things like starting a business, creating wealth, and joining subversive groups (such as the Republican party, the tea-party movement, or the Air Force).
We must act now to stop this (lack of) madness! A few years ago, the minimum voting age was reduced to 18, and that was a step in the right direction.
But we can do more.
I say: drop it to twelve! All school buses could stop at the polls on voting day, on the way to 6th-grade homeroom.
Better yet, since voting these days resembles taking a standardized test, heck, just add a couple more bubbles to every answer sheet, starting in middle school Algebra.
"If a train (whatever that is) leaves Memphis at 2 p.
m.
, traveling at 75 m.
p.
h.
, should that be (a) regulated, (b) taxed, or (c) both?" "If Sally has two apples, and Jane has only one, Sally is a capitalist pig and Jane is a victim! Should you (a) vote Obama, (b) vote Obama, or (c) both?" And if any kid doesn't answer "c" on all these key questions, well, they could be placed in special remedial re-education classes (or "camps").
This could work.
Of course, the real key would be to institute a maximum voting age of, say, 29.
You wouldn't want to disenfranchise grad students, and therefore you'd have to accept that some other twenty-somethings will still develop independent thought.
Most of those, though, won't bother to vote anyway.
Think of all the campaign funds we'll save when we don't have to run all those ads to dupe seniors! And when there just aren't many seniors left to dupe! And when, medically, anyone over 32 is a senior! I know, I know: the process to make such changes is cumbersome and slow.
Just remember: that didn't stop Obamacare! If we follow the example of our dear leaders, we can sneak these changes through late on a Sunday night, and all the GOP primary publicity in the world won't save them.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha!