I get a lot of letters and emails from wives and girlfriends who aren't sure if they should take back their husbands or boyfriends who have cheated.  A lot are concerned about whether or not he will cheat again or if they can really ever trust him once more.  Many aren't sure that the relationship will ever really be the same or be healthy again.  The truth is, relationships can and do survive infidelity every day.  Some are even stronger or better as the result. 

But, what is required here is two people who are very much committed to fixing what's broken and to working things out.  The man must be completely willing to rehabilitate his behavior and to remove any vulnerabilities that would contribute to this happening again. Not every one can or will do this.  In the following article, I'll tell you the things that I see in men who are able to be rehabilitated and trustworthy again so that you can decide if your man falls into this category and might be worth taking back.

Does He Understand And Admit That This Is His Fault?:  Men who are worth taking back will take full responsibility for their own mistake.  They don't try to throw things back onto you or tell you that you didn't give them enough attention or affection.  They don't try to make it seem as though you didn't love them or didn't care for them enough so that they had to go elsewhere.

They know that there is no one to blame but themselves.  They will immediately take full responsibility and will quite quickly stop with all the pointless excuses.  They know that this is a problem of their own making and they know that they must take the lead in fixing it if they are lucky enough for you to give them that opportunity.

Is He Willing To Be Honest And Not Downplay What Contributed To His Cheating?:  In order for your relationship to be able to thrive after this huge challenge, you'll be need to be honest about what contributed to this breakdown.  This can be difficult for men because they typically don't like to strip down their feelings.  Many will say things like "it really didn't mean anything," or "all I can tell you is that it won't happen again."

Unfortunately, these answers just aren't good enough.  He's going to need to define exactly what contributed to this and then work with you to remove these stressors or temptations.  If the affair was due to his low self esteem or self worth, he's going to have to do some self worth to ensure that you're not revisiting this in the future.  Many men will resist this kind of emotional work.  But, if you can push through, the rewards can be so great.  Often, couples who are able to do this report a bond and an understanding of their spouse that they did not even remotely approach before.

Is He Willing To Be Accountable For As Long As It Takes?:  Men don't like feeling like their wife treats them like their mother.  They're adults and they don't like to check in.  However, a man who has cheated must accept that you're going to be checking up for some time while you're healing.  It's only natural for you to be suspicious or curious for a while. He should be patient and allow this until you're secure again.  And, he should not try to make you feel guilty or insinuate that you're overreaching.  Sure, no one likes to be watched like a hawk.  It's easy to get defensive.  But a man who's worth taking back will understand that this situation is of his own making and will have some patience.

Does He Support You As You Explore What You Need To Heal?:  Often, a woman's self esteem is hugely damaged after her husband or boyfriend cheats.  It's perfectly normal to want to build yourself up so that you can regain your confidence and have no problem believing that he is lucky to have you.  But, many men will feel insecure about this.  They'll wonder if you're going to turn the tables and cheat on them and will try to thwart you as you better yourself. 

Sometimes, all that is needed is to reassure your husband that you need this self worth so that you can quiet the nagging doubts in your mind.  This is going to benefit you both.  A man who really wants to save his marriage and help his wife heal will eventually make peace with this.  If he's not able to, then you have to wonder what else he will be unyielding on in the future.

Are You Able (Or Will You Eventually Be Able) To Let Go Of Your Anger And Resentment?:  Sometimes, whether you should take him back or not lies not in what he does or feels, but in what YOU feel.  You have to ask yourself if you're really going to be able to do the necessary work, receive the necessary reassurance, and then let this go.  Some women are never able to do this, even though their husband's do everything right and relent endlessly. 

In order for your marriage to make it, you can not continue to punish him indefinitely and to keep throwing this in face. Eventually, you will need to be equal parties again and this won't happen if you continue to keep him as the second class partner.  It often takes time until you're able to move on, but eventually, you must be able to if taking him back is going to be worth it.

I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/