I find it very rare, at least with my readers, that couples who are approaching a divorce do not have at least one party who isn't sure that this is the right path to take.
I hardly ever see a situation where both parties are equally sure that ending the marriage is what they really want to do.
More often than not, once spouse feels that his or her mind is made up and that breaking up is the only resolution, while the other thinks that with just a little more work, patience, and commitment, the marriage could actually be saved.
Still, wishing, hoping and having good intentions will only get you so far.
If his or her mind is really made up, there is little that you can do to change it, at least not until you change the tactics that you've been attempting that haven't worked.
When a spouse has checked out of the marriage, it's usually because they have resigned themselves to the fact that things are never going to change.
In order to change their mind about this and to therefore to save the marriage, you must show them that in fact things can and will change very dramatically.
I will discuss this more in the following article.
Examine Your Actions And Your Tone To Determine If You're Sending The Message That You Really Want To Get Across: I often ask people to take a moment when they interact with their spouse, and to then detach themselves from the situation, and to look at the interactions as an outsider would.
What I mean by this is that the next time you're discussing your marriage with your spouse, stop yourself and just objectively listen and watch what is going on.
I realize that this is a difficult task, but it can provide you with invaluable information.
Often, it will tell you exactly why your spouse has been tuning you out and ignoring you.
It's probably safe to say that they don't like the message that you have been sending or giving.
So, it's vital that you determine what that message is.
To make things easier, here are some common implications that people report back to me.
Now, I'm telling you what your spouse is hearing because of your tone and the way that you are delivering the message.
This may not be your intention.
But, this is what most spouses tell me that they hear: "You're wrong about all of this.
We've been married a long time and you just think you're unhappy because your expectations are impossibly high;" or "Why are you doing this to me and to us? You should be ashamed of yourself to put us and our children through this;" or "You'd better hope that this blows over because I'm going to dwell on this and be resentful for a long time to come and you will have a life sentence of trying to make this up to me;" or "Please don't leave me.
I'm not strong enough or capable enough to live on my own.
I'm desperately looking for some way or for some foot hold to trick you into dropping this whole silly thing so we can just continue to limp along as we have been.
" Again, I don't mean to be critical or to imply that you are literally saying these things.
I know that you are not.
But, some variation on this is likely at least some of what your spouse is hearing.
And, no one wants to be told that they are just plain wrong, or selfish, or mistaken, or have nothing to look forward to other than more of the same and resentment and anger.
My point of this exercise was not to upset you, but to show you where your message may be flawed.
Because in order to get them to listen to you and to be receptive to you again, the first step is often to change the message.
Finding The Message That Your Spouse Wants To Hear: To regain access to your spouse, you must regain their attention and their trust.
So, you will likely have to change your message and, as bad as this may sound, you must disarm them somewhat so that some of the walls will begin to come down.
You have to make sure that they are no longer seeing you as a threat, as someone that isn't going to give them a moment's peace until they "give in," or as someone who is only going to fling anger and resentment at them.
So, when you can be calm enough to deliver the message that you want to give, sit them down and tell them that you've had a change of heart.
Although what they've been saying hurts you, you know that you owe it them, yourself, and to your marriage to hear them out and to work with them.
You've been thinking long and hard about this, and you realize that they have been right about many things.
Neither of you are as happy as you could or should be.
Both of you deserve that.
The marriage has possibly been broken for a long time.
You're done denying that or trying to change their mind about it.
You can not change this fact.
What's done is done.
All that you can do now is to control how you react to the situation and how you make it better for both you.
And, you can't possibly predict or even control the future.
What you can predict though is your own behavior.
So, you're not longer going to behave in a negative way.
You're going to conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of.
Now, understand that your spouse is probably going to doubt either your sincerity or the reality of what you're saying.
They may well think that you really want to believe what you're saying, but over time, they suspect that you'll start falling back into hold behaviors.
You must show them over time that things are really going to be different and that you are very capable of doing exactly what you said that you would.
Use The Advantages That You Have: You may not realize this, but you do have the advantage of history and knowledge on your side.
You know your spouse like no other.
You have a shared history that does bind and bond you.
And, you know what attributes excites your spouse and makes them fall in love.
You possess these attributes.
Sure, things change, but your core does not.
You may have more time commitments, more responsibilities, and less of yourself to give, perhaps.
Or at least it feels this way sometimes.
But, you do have the ability to change your priorities, at least for as long as you need to, to get things back on track.
Don't try to build Rome in a day or this will place too much pressure on you and your spouse.
Focus at first just on reconnecting and becoming comfortable with one another again.
Take small baby steps and allow a natural give and take.
This won't happen overnight, but if you move slowly and focus on what brought you together in the first place, it can happen.
I hardly ever see a situation where both parties are equally sure that ending the marriage is what they really want to do.
More often than not, once spouse feels that his or her mind is made up and that breaking up is the only resolution, while the other thinks that with just a little more work, patience, and commitment, the marriage could actually be saved.
Still, wishing, hoping and having good intentions will only get you so far.
If his or her mind is really made up, there is little that you can do to change it, at least not until you change the tactics that you've been attempting that haven't worked.
When a spouse has checked out of the marriage, it's usually because they have resigned themselves to the fact that things are never going to change.
In order to change their mind about this and to therefore to save the marriage, you must show them that in fact things can and will change very dramatically.
I will discuss this more in the following article.
Examine Your Actions And Your Tone To Determine If You're Sending The Message That You Really Want To Get Across: I often ask people to take a moment when they interact with their spouse, and to then detach themselves from the situation, and to look at the interactions as an outsider would.
What I mean by this is that the next time you're discussing your marriage with your spouse, stop yourself and just objectively listen and watch what is going on.
I realize that this is a difficult task, but it can provide you with invaluable information.
Often, it will tell you exactly why your spouse has been tuning you out and ignoring you.
It's probably safe to say that they don't like the message that you have been sending or giving.
So, it's vital that you determine what that message is.
To make things easier, here are some common implications that people report back to me.
Now, I'm telling you what your spouse is hearing because of your tone and the way that you are delivering the message.
This may not be your intention.
But, this is what most spouses tell me that they hear: "You're wrong about all of this.
We've been married a long time and you just think you're unhappy because your expectations are impossibly high;" or "Why are you doing this to me and to us? You should be ashamed of yourself to put us and our children through this;" or "You'd better hope that this blows over because I'm going to dwell on this and be resentful for a long time to come and you will have a life sentence of trying to make this up to me;" or "Please don't leave me.
I'm not strong enough or capable enough to live on my own.
I'm desperately looking for some way or for some foot hold to trick you into dropping this whole silly thing so we can just continue to limp along as we have been.
" Again, I don't mean to be critical or to imply that you are literally saying these things.
I know that you are not.
But, some variation on this is likely at least some of what your spouse is hearing.
And, no one wants to be told that they are just plain wrong, or selfish, or mistaken, or have nothing to look forward to other than more of the same and resentment and anger.
My point of this exercise was not to upset you, but to show you where your message may be flawed.
Because in order to get them to listen to you and to be receptive to you again, the first step is often to change the message.
Finding The Message That Your Spouse Wants To Hear: To regain access to your spouse, you must regain their attention and their trust.
So, you will likely have to change your message and, as bad as this may sound, you must disarm them somewhat so that some of the walls will begin to come down.
You have to make sure that they are no longer seeing you as a threat, as someone that isn't going to give them a moment's peace until they "give in," or as someone who is only going to fling anger and resentment at them.
So, when you can be calm enough to deliver the message that you want to give, sit them down and tell them that you've had a change of heart.
Although what they've been saying hurts you, you know that you owe it them, yourself, and to your marriage to hear them out and to work with them.
You've been thinking long and hard about this, and you realize that they have been right about many things.
Neither of you are as happy as you could or should be.
Both of you deserve that.
The marriage has possibly been broken for a long time.
You're done denying that or trying to change their mind about it.
You can not change this fact.
What's done is done.
All that you can do now is to control how you react to the situation and how you make it better for both you.
And, you can't possibly predict or even control the future.
What you can predict though is your own behavior.
So, you're not longer going to behave in a negative way.
You're going to conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of.
Now, understand that your spouse is probably going to doubt either your sincerity or the reality of what you're saying.
They may well think that you really want to believe what you're saying, but over time, they suspect that you'll start falling back into hold behaviors.
You must show them over time that things are really going to be different and that you are very capable of doing exactly what you said that you would.
Use The Advantages That You Have: You may not realize this, but you do have the advantage of history and knowledge on your side.
You know your spouse like no other.
You have a shared history that does bind and bond you.
And, you know what attributes excites your spouse and makes them fall in love.
You possess these attributes.
Sure, things change, but your core does not.
You may have more time commitments, more responsibilities, and less of yourself to give, perhaps.
Or at least it feels this way sometimes.
But, you do have the ability to change your priorities, at least for as long as you need to, to get things back on track.
Don't try to build Rome in a day or this will place too much pressure on you and your spouse.
Focus at first just on reconnecting and becoming comfortable with one another again.
Take small baby steps and allow a natural give and take.
This won't happen overnight, but if you move slowly and focus on what brought you together in the first place, it can happen.