Chronic pain can be hard on relationships.
It poses situational and emotional challenges for both partners that must be acknowledged and addressed in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
Most chronic pain forums have a number of posts dedicated to relationship strains.
The following are common themes that arise in relationships in which one partner suffers from pain, both for the partner in pain and the pain-free partner.
The frustration associated with chronic pain cannot adequately be described.
Some people have to give up activities they love, such as running or sports.
Many have to stop working; this is particularly common with chronic back pain, a leading cause of disability and missed work.
Even helping around the house can be difficult.
As the sphere of potential activity shrinks around a person, a sense of futility may set in.
Futility and restlessness can quickly turn into depression.
Frustration is not the sole territory of the partner in pain.
The pain-free partner often has a difficult time understanding his or her partner's situation.
Sometimes, the former may even doubt the reality of the latter's pain.
This often emerges when the partner in pain appears to have "given up.
" Conventional medical treatment offers little to those with chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia and back pain; it is not uncommon for people to experience little or no relief from the medications, surgeries and standard advice they are prescribed.
Still the pain-free partner may grow frustrated with the other's seeming lack of effort.
This frustration can meld with resentment, considering the extra financial and housework burden he or she must take on.
In a way, the pain-free partner may also feel that his or her activity is limited as well.
This is a common theme in online forums; two partners enjoyed regular physical activity together (hiking, running, long walks etc.
) before chronic pain emerged, and now the activity is lost.
The partner still capable of pursuing these activities may feel too guilty to do them on his or her own or fear that the partner in pain would be hurt, envious or angry, and this fear is valid.
What You, The Pain-Free Partner, Can Do The first thing that the pain-free partner can do to improve the health of the relationship is to research the other's condition.
What is chronic pain like? If there is a specific diagnosis, such as herniated disc or spinal stenosis, learn everything you can about the condition.
If your partner is feeling unmotivated due to repeated treatment failures, do some research into complementary and alternative medicine at http://nccam.
nih.
gov/ and on other sites to see if there are alternatives you might not hear about at the doctor's office.
Doing research will help you cultivate a better understanding of and respect for the situation your partner is in.
It is also helpful to understand the connection between chronic pain and depression, which can be both situational and biochemical.
Another important move on the your part is to take care of yourself.
This involves doing the things you love.
It is important to maintain your own health, both physical and emotional, so that you have a solid baseline from which to support your partner.
This may lead to hurt feelings on occasion, but do your best to explain to your partner that you need to keep yourself strong for the good of the relationship as a whole.
Part of the separation created by unequal activity levels can be bridged by making an effort to forge new interests that both of you can participate in together.
This could be reading the same book and discussing it, making art, watching movies, going for gentle walks, etc.
What You, The Partner In Pain, Can Do You're right; your partner doesn't understand what you're going through.
It may be helpful to check out online communities where people in chronic pain post about their experiences.
You can share your story, learn from others and find a place where you feel understood.
While it is important to understand that your partner cannot fully empathize with your situation, it is reasonable to expect some effort.
You may find this in the form of research your partner does to understand your condition, or conversations he or she wants to have about it.
Just as you want your partner to understand your frustrations, it is important that you try to understand his or hers.
Try to do this objectively without blaming yourself or getting defensive.
Be aware of your feelings and thoughts.
If you constantly hear negative self-talk or feel angry about your situation, it is important to address these emotional and psychological effects.
A negative attitude toward your situation can prevent it from getting better.
Consider seeking out cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help pain patients better cope with their conditions.
It can also challenge fear-avoidance beliefs you may have that keep you from moving.
Addressing this could lead to more activity on your part.
Going to therapy does not mean that you have a mental problem.
It simply means that you are in a situation that is difficult to handle in a healthy way.
Learning coping strategies is the responsible thing to do.
Doing what you can is very important.
Prolonged bed rest leads to rapid loss of muscle tone and cardiovascular conditioning.
If you can't get out of bed, try stretching in bed, or contracting various muscles to keep the blood flowing.
Any work around the house you're able to do would both be very helpful to your partner and helpful to yourself.
Some ideas are folding the laundry, drying dishes, making shopping lists, and stuffing and addressing envelopes (much needed around Christmas card season).
Try to encourage your partner to get out and do the things he or she loves, even if you can't go along.
This may be hard for you, but it is important to accept that your partner is capable of things you are not right now.
Understand that this may only be a temporary inequality.
Have an open mind concerning alternative medical treatments for your pain like myofascial therapy or acupuncture.
Both partners in a chronic pain relationship may find some insight from other people's stories.
See http://backandneck.
about.
com/u/sty/familyandfriends/backinjuryneckinjurymanagingrelationships/ for submissions by people who have learned a few tips for keeping the relationship healthy.
It poses situational and emotional challenges for both partners that must be acknowledged and addressed in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
Most chronic pain forums have a number of posts dedicated to relationship strains.
The following are common themes that arise in relationships in which one partner suffers from pain, both for the partner in pain and the pain-free partner.
The frustration associated with chronic pain cannot adequately be described.
Some people have to give up activities they love, such as running or sports.
Many have to stop working; this is particularly common with chronic back pain, a leading cause of disability and missed work.
Even helping around the house can be difficult.
As the sphere of potential activity shrinks around a person, a sense of futility may set in.
Futility and restlessness can quickly turn into depression.
Frustration is not the sole territory of the partner in pain.
The pain-free partner often has a difficult time understanding his or her partner's situation.
Sometimes, the former may even doubt the reality of the latter's pain.
This often emerges when the partner in pain appears to have "given up.
" Conventional medical treatment offers little to those with chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia and back pain; it is not uncommon for people to experience little or no relief from the medications, surgeries and standard advice they are prescribed.
Still the pain-free partner may grow frustrated with the other's seeming lack of effort.
This frustration can meld with resentment, considering the extra financial and housework burden he or she must take on.
In a way, the pain-free partner may also feel that his or her activity is limited as well.
This is a common theme in online forums; two partners enjoyed regular physical activity together (hiking, running, long walks etc.
) before chronic pain emerged, and now the activity is lost.
The partner still capable of pursuing these activities may feel too guilty to do them on his or her own or fear that the partner in pain would be hurt, envious or angry, and this fear is valid.
What You, The Pain-Free Partner, Can Do The first thing that the pain-free partner can do to improve the health of the relationship is to research the other's condition.
What is chronic pain like? If there is a specific diagnosis, such as herniated disc or spinal stenosis, learn everything you can about the condition.
If your partner is feeling unmotivated due to repeated treatment failures, do some research into complementary and alternative medicine at http://nccam.
nih.
gov/ and on other sites to see if there are alternatives you might not hear about at the doctor's office.
Doing research will help you cultivate a better understanding of and respect for the situation your partner is in.
It is also helpful to understand the connection between chronic pain and depression, which can be both situational and biochemical.
Another important move on the your part is to take care of yourself.
This involves doing the things you love.
It is important to maintain your own health, both physical and emotional, so that you have a solid baseline from which to support your partner.
This may lead to hurt feelings on occasion, but do your best to explain to your partner that you need to keep yourself strong for the good of the relationship as a whole.
Part of the separation created by unequal activity levels can be bridged by making an effort to forge new interests that both of you can participate in together.
This could be reading the same book and discussing it, making art, watching movies, going for gentle walks, etc.
What You, The Partner In Pain, Can Do You're right; your partner doesn't understand what you're going through.
It may be helpful to check out online communities where people in chronic pain post about their experiences.
You can share your story, learn from others and find a place where you feel understood.
While it is important to understand that your partner cannot fully empathize with your situation, it is reasonable to expect some effort.
You may find this in the form of research your partner does to understand your condition, or conversations he or she wants to have about it.
Just as you want your partner to understand your frustrations, it is important that you try to understand his or hers.
Try to do this objectively without blaming yourself or getting defensive.
Be aware of your feelings and thoughts.
If you constantly hear negative self-talk or feel angry about your situation, it is important to address these emotional and psychological effects.
A negative attitude toward your situation can prevent it from getting better.
Consider seeking out cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help pain patients better cope with their conditions.
It can also challenge fear-avoidance beliefs you may have that keep you from moving.
Addressing this could lead to more activity on your part.
Going to therapy does not mean that you have a mental problem.
It simply means that you are in a situation that is difficult to handle in a healthy way.
Learning coping strategies is the responsible thing to do.
Doing what you can is very important.
Prolonged bed rest leads to rapid loss of muscle tone and cardiovascular conditioning.
If you can't get out of bed, try stretching in bed, or contracting various muscles to keep the blood flowing.
Any work around the house you're able to do would both be very helpful to your partner and helpful to yourself.
Some ideas are folding the laundry, drying dishes, making shopping lists, and stuffing and addressing envelopes (much needed around Christmas card season).
Try to encourage your partner to get out and do the things he or she loves, even if you can't go along.
This may be hard for you, but it is important to accept that your partner is capable of things you are not right now.
Understand that this may only be a temporary inequality.
Have an open mind concerning alternative medical treatments for your pain like myofascial therapy or acupuncture.
Both partners in a chronic pain relationship may find some insight from other people's stories.
See http://backandneck.
about.
com/u/sty/familyandfriends/backinjuryneckinjurymanagingrelationships/ for submissions by people who have learned a few tips for keeping the relationship healthy.