It is possible to be happily married while living and working apart.
I know, because when the "big job" beckoned, I took it, moving from Tampa to Chicago...
without my husband.
He gave his blessing, of course, and, though he loved his job, agreed to think about following me.
So, we gave it a shot.
Notice the emphasis on "we"; this was definitely a joint decision and could not have happened successfully any other way.
(Luckily, in this situation, there were only the two of us to think about.
) Here's how we made it work: 1.
We set a time limit upfront.
This was not something we wanted to do forever so we agreed it would be a two-year experiment at the maximum.
We scheduled a re-evaluation of our situation in six months.
Two months in, my husband (wearing a bulky, winter coat and sweaters that smelled like mothballs) decided a move was not in his future.
Nonetheless, we stuck to our six-month marker.
At the half-year point, we were fine and decided to check in with each other periodically.
I brought up the topic once a month at first and then every other month or so.
2.
We gave each other the unilateral right to end the situation at any time.
Even though I enjoyed my job, our marriage was our priority.
We were secure enough financially that we were not dependent on my job, so we had flexibility and I was wholeheartedly prepared to leave at any point.
This explains why my apartment looked like a dorm room for two years; I wanted to be ready to move quickly if necessary.
3.
We communicated at least once a day.
Usually, it was more than that.
We texted every morning, even if it was only a quick word.
At night, we would speak on the phone and had marathon telephone sessions on the weekends.
When possible, we would Skype.
We always knew what was going on with each other; it is probable we were more clued in to each other's lives while living apart than when we were together.
4.
We scheduled frequent visits.
We committed to seeing each other every other weekend.
I typically flew home.
Once or twice, we let two weekends elapse before we saw each other.
We figured out pretty quickly that was too long.
5.
We valued our time together.
When we were in the same location, we were really together.
This was a tremendous benefit for us.
Before, we used to come home from work, eat and plop in front of the television, but our rare weekends became quality time.
We were more active and did everything together.
6.
We rearranged household chores and duties.
My husband generously took on the housework and bills at home.
It was a great opportunity for him to get a handle on our bills, although that soon restricted my spending sprees.
When I was home, though, I would pitch in to help wherever I could.
7.
We treated both homes as "ours.
" We set up house together in Chicago.
My spouse helped pick out the apartment and furniture, so it was his place as well as mine.
And we continued to consult each other about purchases for or issues at either location.
Once, he called from a Tampa Bed, Bath and Beyond to ask about buying some glassware.
And I called him once around midnight about a toilet that wouldn't stop running.
8.
We made trips to the second location fun.
Chicago was our "date city.
" When my husband visited, we would do something we could not or usually did not do at home.
We would go to theatre, take sightseeing tours, go to art fairs, eat out, etc.
Our weekends together were almost like mini-vacations.
9.
We spent major holidays together.
Our old traditions remained intact, but with some new twists.
For instance, it was delightful to spend Christmas in Chicago where it was more festive and holiday-like.
And not a single palm tree in sight! 10.
We practiced arbitrary acts of communication.
After being together on weekends, it was not unusual for one of us to come across a note left by the other behind a pillow, in a suitcase, in a drawer, etc.
).
Sometimes, we sent funny cards or notes during the weeks we didn't see each other.
It really is possible to live and work miles apart and remain in a committed, happy relationship.
Realize that constant communication is key, as is a continual pulse check on your relationship.
It helped that we were both older and had behind us 10 terrific years of wedded bliss.
And while the above worked for us, every marriage is different.
You will need to put your rules of engagement in place early and remain flexible about tweaking them to fit both of you, individually, and as a couple, as well as any family members involved.
Would I do it again? Hmm, maybe, but I would have to talk with my husband first.
I know, because when the "big job" beckoned, I took it, moving from Tampa to Chicago...
without my husband.
He gave his blessing, of course, and, though he loved his job, agreed to think about following me.
So, we gave it a shot.
Notice the emphasis on "we"; this was definitely a joint decision and could not have happened successfully any other way.
(Luckily, in this situation, there were only the two of us to think about.
) Here's how we made it work: 1.
We set a time limit upfront.
This was not something we wanted to do forever so we agreed it would be a two-year experiment at the maximum.
We scheduled a re-evaluation of our situation in six months.
Two months in, my husband (wearing a bulky, winter coat and sweaters that smelled like mothballs) decided a move was not in his future.
Nonetheless, we stuck to our six-month marker.
At the half-year point, we were fine and decided to check in with each other periodically.
I brought up the topic once a month at first and then every other month or so.
2.
We gave each other the unilateral right to end the situation at any time.
Even though I enjoyed my job, our marriage was our priority.
We were secure enough financially that we were not dependent on my job, so we had flexibility and I was wholeheartedly prepared to leave at any point.
This explains why my apartment looked like a dorm room for two years; I wanted to be ready to move quickly if necessary.
3.
We communicated at least once a day.
Usually, it was more than that.
We texted every morning, even if it was only a quick word.
At night, we would speak on the phone and had marathon telephone sessions on the weekends.
When possible, we would Skype.
We always knew what was going on with each other; it is probable we were more clued in to each other's lives while living apart than when we were together.
4.
We scheduled frequent visits.
We committed to seeing each other every other weekend.
I typically flew home.
Once or twice, we let two weekends elapse before we saw each other.
We figured out pretty quickly that was too long.
5.
We valued our time together.
When we were in the same location, we were really together.
This was a tremendous benefit for us.
Before, we used to come home from work, eat and plop in front of the television, but our rare weekends became quality time.
We were more active and did everything together.
6.
We rearranged household chores and duties.
My husband generously took on the housework and bills at home.
It was a great opportunity for him to get a handle on our bills, although that soon restricted my spending sprees.
When I was home, though, I would pitch in to help wherever I could.
7.
We treated both homes as "ours.
" We set up house together in Chicago.
My spouse helped pick out the apartment and furniture, so it was his place as well as mine.
And we continued to consult each other about purchases for or issues at either location.
Once, he called from a Tampa Bed, Bath and Beyond to ask about buying some glassware.
And I called him once around midnight about a toilet that wouldn't stop running.
8.
We made trips to the second location fun.
Chicago was our "date city.
" When my husband visited, we would do something we could not or usually did not do at home.
We would go to theatre, take sightseeing tours, go to art fairs, eat out, etc.
Our weekends together were almost like mini-vacations.
9.
We spent major holidays together.
Our old traditions remained intact, but with some new twists.
For instance, it was delightful to spend Christmas in Chicago where it was more festive and holiday-like.
And not a single palm tree in sight! 10.
We practiced arbitrary acts of communication.
After being together on weekends, it was not unusual for one of us to come across a note left by the other behind a pillow, in a suitcase, in a drawer, etc.
).
Sometimes, we sent funny cards or notes during the weeks we didn't see each other.
It really is possible to live and work miles apart and remain in a committed, happy relationship.
Realize that constant communication is key, as is a continual pulse check on your relationship.
It helped that we were both older and had behind us 10 terrific years of wedded bliss.
And while the above worked for us, every marriage is different.
You will need to put your rules of engagement in place early and remain flexible about tweaking them to fit both of you, individually, and as a couple, as well as any family members involved.
Would I do it again? Hmm, maybe, but I would have to talk with my husband first.