So, as a way of helping your Dad overcome his Alzheimer's dementia, you've been re-training him.
Oh good, so how's that going for you? Just as I thought.
Well, here are some other activities more rewarding than re-training a person with dementia.
Better Activities for You Than Training Someone With Dementia: 1.
Sky-diving without a parachute; 2.
Teaching your Grandma to suck eggs; 3.
Training pigs to fly.
Well, that was fun.
Now to you, my poor friend.
No matter how good your husband, Dad, Mom, Grandma or home care resident may look, if Alzheimer's or a similar dementia has been diagnosed, there are certain things guaranteed.
Over which you have no control.
No matter how mad, sad or bad you are.
Dementia Certainties: 1.
Short-term memory guaranteed.
This means you can say something one minute, it's forgotten the next.
Training someone needs usable memory.
They are not disregarding you, they are seriously wounded in memory; 2.
Old habits take precedence over any change you wanted.
So you can't change your husband's 55-year habit of answering the telephone; 3.
The hobbies and activities once enjoyed will slowly vanish, to never return.
The habit of those skills is eroded by dementia from the memory; 4.
If you think this person is deliberately not managing, YOU need some time off.
When family members are really upset, that's when rigidity comes in.
Especially if the caregiver has secret fantasies that this can all be trained away, re-taught away, fixed.
Of course that's what you want.
But, in our present state of knowledge about Alzheimer's dementia, we can't fix it nor reverse it.
Maybe it can be slowed a bit.
So, here's a radical thought.
Let go of your wishes.
Do your grieving and express your anger and grow into being a good caregiver.
A kind caregiver.
Work with what remains.
In case you need reminding, here is what remains: a life already lived, a childhood and young adulthood, the events of life, all still there within.
Here are other things that remain: love of good food, love of music, love of pets, love of you or anyone else who is loving and accepting.
Enjoyment of being in nature, being surrounded by an understanding family.
A sense of humor.
So, back to you.
Forget the retraining.
Instead, you adapt.
That's not giving up.
It's getting into the same space your family member is in, only you of course don't have dementia.
Typical Household Dementia Issues: 1.
Phone: Don't want hubby to answer the phone while you're out? Then turn the ringer off, let voice-mail pick up and start giving out a cellphone number for important business calls; 2.
Boredom? Involve your person in the daily tasks you do and lower your standards, so what they do as acceptable.
It's entertainment, not hotel standards; 3.
Need time out? Organize a same sex expedition of some kind -- fishing for hubby, shopping for wife.
If that would work for them.
If it was successful, try it again.
Why same-sex? Assuming that it would be more relaxing, since obviously a stressed-out you can't be relaxing for them.
You can use that time-out for any of the following: 1.
Long soak in hot scented bath (well, that's my favorite choice); 2.
A nap; 3.
A movie; 4.
A walk with the dog; 5.
Meal with a friend; 6.
Therapy.
Whatever calms you down and helps you out of your state of stress.
Wanting to train people with dementia is usually a clear symptom of being highly stressed.
Oh good, so how's that going for you? Just as I thought.
Well, here are some other activities more rewarding than re-training a person with dementia.
Better Activities for You Than Training Someone With Dementia: 1.
Sky-diving without a parachute; 2.
Teaching your Grandma to suck eggs; 3.
Training pigs to fly.
Well, that was fun.
Now to you, my poor friend.
No matter how good your husband, Dad, Mom, Grandma or home care resident may look, if Alzheimer's or a similar dementia has been diagnosed, there are certain things guaranteed.
Over which you have no control.
No matter how mad, sad or bad you are.
Dementia Certainties: 1.
Short-term memory guaranteed.
This means you can say something one minute, it's forgotten the next.
Training someone needs usable memory.
They are not disregarding you, they are seriously wounded in memory; 2.
Old habits take precedence over any change you wanted.
So you can't change your husband's 55-year habit of answering the telephone; 3.
The hobbies and activities once enjoyed will slowly vanish, to never return.
The habit of those skills is eroded by dementia from the memory; 4.
If you think this person is deliberately not managing, YOU need some time off.
When family members are really upset, that's when rigidity comes in.
Especially if the caregiver has secret fantasies that this can all be trained away, re-taught away, fixed.
Of course that's what you want.
But, in our present state of knowledge about Alzheimer's dementia, we can't fix it nor reverse it.
Maybe it can be slowed a bit.
So, here's a radical thought.
Let go of your wishes.
Do your grieving and express your anger and grow into being a good caregiver.
A kind caregiver.
Work with what remains.
In case you need reminding, here is what remains: a life already lived, a childhood and young adulthood, the events of life, all still there within.
Here are other things that remain: love of good food, love of music, love of pets, love of you or anyone else who is loving and accepting.
Enjoyment of being in nature, being surrounded by an understanding family.
A sense of humor.
So, back to you.
Forget the retraining.
Instead, you adapt.
That's not giving up.
It's getting into the same space your family member is in, only you of course don't have dementia.
Typical Household Dementia Issues: 1.
Phone: Don't want hubby to answer the phone while you're out? Then turn the ringer off, let voice-mail pick up and start giving out a cellphone number for important business calls; 2.
Boredom? Involve your person in the daily tasks you do and lower your standards, so what they do as acceptable.
It's entertainment, not hotel standards; 3.
Need time out? Organize a same sex expedition of some kind -- fishing for hubby, shopping for wife.
If that would work for them.
If it was successful, try it again.
Why same-sex? Assuming that it would be more relaxing, since obviously a stressed-out you can't be relaxing for them.
You can use that time-out for any of the following: 1.
Long soak in hot scented bath (well, that's my favorite choice); 2.
A nap; 3.
A movie; 4.
A walk with the dog; 5.
Meal with a friend; 6.
Therapy.
Whatever calms you down and helps you out of your state of stress.
Wanting to train people with dementia is usually a clear symptom of being highly stressed.