Are you sick of hearing criticisms, blame or judgments? Would you like to be able to translate the words you don't want to hear into word that you can hear? Basically, we can attune our ears when we hear criticism, blame and judgments in just 2 ways.
Equally, there are 2 simple ways you can banish blame, criticism and judgment forever.
Let's go through them and then you can make up your own mind which will best serve the kind of life you want to lead.
1.
You hear blame and take the blame on to yourself: We can listen with ears that take the blame, criticism and judgment in on ourselves.
We can internally agree and then add our own inner critical or victim voice to the process.
2.
You hear blame but blame the other person: We can listen with ears that hear the judgment, criticism and blame and then choose to turn it back to the sender.
3.
You can sense for the other person's feelings and needs: We can listen with ears that hear the words of judgment, criticism and blame and translate those words by connecting with what's really behind them - that is the unmet values and needs that are leading to this tragic expression.
4.
You can sense for your feelings and needs: We can listen with ears that hear words of judgment, criticism and blame and connect with our own needs and values in this moment.
Here is a worked example: The words you hear are: "You never clean up after yourself.
I'm not your slave!" 1.
Listening and internally agreeing.
"Oh no, that's true.
Just look at this mess.
I always muck things up.
When will I ever get it right?" Oohh...
how do you feel when you read that? Notice what is going on in your body.
Is that healthy? Is that life serving? 2.
Sending it straight back - classic return to sender: "You are so controlling, why can't you just cut me some slack.
Can't you see I'm half way through the job? And what about the time you..
..
" Hmmm...
how do you feel when you read that? Better? Worse? Not wonderful I bet.
3.
Translate their words into feelings and needs in your head (heart): "Wow, sounds like they are really upset and frustrated.
I know they really value order and ease and when I remember that my work has been spread across the dining room table for a week now, I wonder if they need some reassurance about when I will be finished? Maybe they are feeling overwhelmed right now and just wanting to understand what my plans are?" Ahhh...
how is hearing this translation for you? Could it work to defuse conflict and create connection? 4.
Listen to how this situation is for you (self-empathy): "Oh, when I hear this I do notice how long my work has been on the table.
Hmmm...
I feel some regret there about not letting them know how long I expect this job to last because I do value consideration and cooperation.
And I'm feeling sad because I would enjoy some understanding about how big this job is.
And I notice I really need some connection so that we can resolve this because when I imagine getting and giving that understanding my heart feels warm and I feel motivated and energised.
Yes, I feel more stable and centred and have clarity about what I value now and I can have a quality conversation.
" ...
and how to you feel when you read this.
Now try this yourself...
take a statement you hear and translate so that you NEVER hear blame, criticism and judgment again, you can defuse conflict and communicate more honestly and clearly.
Equally, there are 2 simple ways you can banish blame, criticism and judgment forever.
Let's go through them and then you can make up your own mind which will best serve the kind of life you want to lead.
1.
You hear blame and take the blame on to yourself: We can listen with ears that take the blame, criticism and judgment in on ourselves.
We can internally agree and then add our own inner critical or victim voice to the process.
2.
You hear blame but blame the other person: We can listen with ears that hear the judgment, criticism and blame and then choose to turn it back to the sender.
3.
You can sense for the other person's feelings and needs: We can listen with ears that hear the words of judgment, criticism and blame and translate those words by connecting with what's really behind them - that is the unmet values and needs that are leading to this tragic expression.
4.
You can sense for your feelings and needs: We can listen with ears that hear words of judgment, criticism and blame and connect with our own needs and values in this moment.
Here is a worked example: The words you hear are: "You never clean up after yourself.
I'm not your slave!" 1.
Listening and internally agreeing.
"Oh no, that's true.
Just look at this mess.
I always muck things up.
When will I ever get it right?" Oohh...
how do you feel when you read that? Notice what is going on in your body.
Is that healthy? Is that life serving? 2.
Sending it straight back - classic return to sender: "You are so controlling, why can't you just cut me some slack.
Can't you see I'm half way through the job? And what about the time you..
..
" Hmmm...
how do you feel when you read that? Better? Worse? Not wonderful I bet.
3.
Translate their words into feelings and needs in your head (heart): "Wow, sounds like they are really upset and frustrated.
I know they really value order and ease and when I remember that my work has been spread across the dining room table for a week now, I wonder if they need some reassurance about when I will be finished? Maybe they are feeling overwhelmed right now and just wanting to understand what my plans are?" Ahhh...
how is hearing this translation for you? Could it work to defuse conflict and create connection? 4.
Listen to how this situation is for you (self-empathy): "Oh, when I hear this I do notice how long my work has been on the table.
Hmmm...
I feel some regret there about not letting them know how long I expect this job to last because I do value consideration and cooperation.
And I'm feeling sad because I would enjoy some understanding about how big this job is.
And I notice I really need some connection so that we can resolve this because when I imagine getting and giving that understanding my heart feels warm and I feel motivated and energised.
Yes, I feel more stable and centred and have clarity about what I value now and I can have a quality conversation.
" ...
and how to you feel when you read this.
Now try this yourself...
take a statement you hear and translate so that you NEVER hear blame, criticism and judgment again, you can defuse conflict and communicate more honestly and clearly.